Hysterical News Agency Staff Writer
Boudicca destroyed Londinium in her rebellion of AD 60-61. Therefore, if Boudicca hadn’t existed in the form history sculpted her then old Roman London would’ve survived. This would mean that a sightseeing guide of the capital would take on a different character to the one we are currently familiar with:
*Madman Tombshells – See the death masks of famous people covered in shells garnered from the extensive Caligula Collection. Very deathlike representations. Open every day except Christmas Day when we are as closed as a clam. A mollusc see!
*Snake Seer’s Robe – Visit the historic robe once owned by the Priestess at Delphi before she was sacked for siding with the Greeks upon being invaded by the Romans in 146 BC.
*Ain’t Paul’s Cathedral – The most renowned place for pagan worship in England. None of the Christian saints are recognized here, so technically it ain’t Matthew’s, Mark’s or John’s either.
*The Catty Sulk – See gthis famous Roman vessel named after Julia Augusta Agrippina, mother of Nero, Rome’s bitchiest woman and renowned for deploying poisoned mushrooms to get her way.
*New Scroll and Lard – Visit the Central Intelligence Building for Britain where Roman citizen recruits were taught how to write in invisible ink made from lard. Join in the re-enactments of ancient crimes and political plots. It’s all an arresting experience.
*Tres Vulgar Square – Place where Romans paraded their most well endowed slaves. The winner being the one determined to have the most column inches.
221b Bather Street – Novelty Roman baths where clientele solve a series of puzzles while engaging in hot and cold baths and saunas. OPENING Hours Just consult your What’s On guide.
Marble Bark – Gather by the famous marble statue of the three headed, serpent tailed mythical dog Cerberus, the Hound of Hades, guardian of the gates of the Underworld, and undertake a guided tour of the area infamous for barbaric punishments and crucifixion.
Thames Drowning Street – view this iconic area behind the great River Thames where those guilty of parricide in Roman Britain faced poena cullei ‘the penalty of the sack’. Where they are sewn into a leather sack with live animals before thrown into the river to drown.
Cleopatra’s Noodle – Site where the great Queen of Egypt’s preserved brain can be viewed.
The Embonkment – the area of Londinium most associated with the staging of Roman orgies.
Less Tear Square – Square in the capital that contains a museum dedicated to the works of the Roman stoic philosopher Senna, who preached that we should master our emotions or they’ll master us.
Magnus Marcus – Giant SUNDIAL overlooking Westminster.
The Unnatural History Mosaic – Roman mosaic that depicts acts of depravity and bestiality.
The Post Office Tower – Imperiously tall building that housed Roman officials in retirement.
Hide Marc – A recreation of the attempts to conceal Marc Antony in the wake of his defeat to Octavian’s forces at the Battle of Actium.