Florence Nightingale

Florence Nightingale. ….What Could Go Wrong?

News Agency Correspondent

The Omphalos has released a series of possibilities that could derail Florence Nightingale from the path in history for which we currently know her. Without further preamble here they are:

Florence Nightingale isn’t born in Florence, Italy but in Mount Mee in Australia. Mount Mee Nightingale spends her whole life defending herself against accusations that she promotes bestiality.

Florence fails all her medical exams. This is particularly upsetting for her because she’s the one setting them.

Satan manages to call Florence before God gets His opportunity and then advises her to go x-directory.

The Government bans anyone with an interest in stats from gaining influence as figures show that statisticians are five times more likely to be a pain in the backside.

Richard Monckton Milnes gets Florence pregnant which means that she becomes known as The Lady With The Lump instead.

Instead of visiting the Lutheran religious community in Germany where they do good work for the poor and needy, Nightingale joins a scientology cult where they focus upon the rich and nerdy.

Nightingale has to put her lamp into cold storage after massive increases in the price of whale oil due to the release of Herman Melville’s Moby Dick.

Instead of sending nurses to aid the wounded in the Crimean War, the Government elect to send leeches instead. This isn’t just bad news for Florence as it means she won’t become famous, but also for the Chancellor of the Exchequer and his senior department officials who had planned to have a fortnight boozing in Skegness.

Longfellow chooses to immortalise Queen Victoria with his poetry instead of Nightingale, as having just purchased a book of stamps he wants the monarch to live long enough for him to get through them all.

The Government requisition Florence’s lamp to help with the new Blackpool Illuminations.

Due to the widespread use of straw on hospital floors Florence and her lamp are struck off the Medical Register for being a fire hazard.

Nightingale finds it difficult to obtain nursing posts with any authority attached as prospective employers reason that due to her name she must be a whistle blower.

Categories: Florence Nightingale

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