Hysterical News Agency Correspondent, Hoboken, NJ.
In initial salvos to tackle the question What If Sir Walter Raleigh Had Been Stamped With A Government Health Warning, the following basic information regarding Sir Walter Raleigh has been released and approved by the History Maintenance Commission:
Sir Walter Raleigh (aka Walt, Biker, Sir Soggy Cloak, Wally)
Born – circa 1554 in Devon, England.
Died – 29 October, 1618 in The Tower of London.
Cause of Death – Beheaded, but also had a heavy cold that day which didn’t help.
Famous For – Being an adventurer, a favourite aristocrat in the court of Queen Elizabeth, a writer, poet, soldier, explorer and a big player in the colonisation of Virginia in North America (named after the Virgin Queen).
Knighted in 1585
Introduced the potato and tobacco to Britain and popularized them.
Along with Sir Francis Walsingham he discovered a plot to assassinate Queen Elizabeth and replace her with Mary Queen of Scots.
Raleigh is also famous for having placed his cloak over a puddle for Queen Elizabeth to walk across. Some believe this was really Sir Francis Drake, but the HMC is convinced it was Raleigh’s cloak as Drake was known to be quick to temper and had it been himnlaid over the puddle he would have punched Raleigh’s lights out.
Secretly marries one of the Queen’s Ladies-in-waiting without first obtaining her permission (the Queen, not the Lady-in-Waiting). The Queen sends Walt and his new bride to The Tower of London. This upsets Sir Walter as he had planned on spending the honeymoon in Blackpool. They are soon released, however, and all is forgiven.
Raleigh sails on an expedition to discover a mythical city of gold called El Dorado. Despite extensive searches all he finds is:
1. A city made of right angled fittings called El Shaped Door Handle.
2. A city populated by stuntmen called El Daredevilo.
3. A city whose mascot was a nearly extinct large bird scared of the dark called El DayDodo.
4. A city made entirely of chocolate called El Disappearo pretty rapidly once the Sun comes out.
Raleigh imprisoned by the new King James I.
With the nation in massive debt, King James releases Raleigh on condition that he has another crack at finding the city of gold, El Dorado.
Sir Walter and his band ransack a city under the control of the Spanish called El Ofamistako. With diplomatic relations tense, Raleigh is placed in The Tower of London yet again. By now he is such a regular that he receives a 25% discount on his bill.
Raleigh receives a further cut. This time to the back of his neck. His beheading is primarily to appease the Spanish.
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