Hysterical News Agency Correspondent Sachne Lott, Toronto.
The consequences of Horatio Nelson missing the Battle of Trafalgar in 1805 to attend a benefits tribunal are currently being explored by the History Maintenance Commission and dribs and drabs have been released, including this significant insight into just what would’ve befallen the subsequently conquered British at the hands of French leader Napoleon Bonaparte.
Bonaparte had disparagingly referred to the British as ‘a nation of shopkerpers’ and would have sought to address this by issuing the following proclamation upon landing in conquered Britain. A proclamation that carried clout as it was backed by the guilotine.
To appear prominently on every public notice board in every city and town in Britain. Every Briton shall heed its commands. Failure to do so will result in death at the blade of the guillotine. This proclamation has been issued by command of Napoleon Bonaparte and the Committee of Conquest for Britain:
All shopkeepers shall relinquish their places of business and hand them over to Napoleon Bonaparte and the CCB Provisions Sub-Committee. Thereafter, the following laws will apply:
- Anyone, other than members of the Provisions Committee, caught in possession of a till shall have it and its contents confiscated and then they’ll be beheaded by the guillotine.
- Anyone suspected of harbouring price labels shall be submitted to torture and once their confession is extracted, be taken to the nearest guillotine and have their traitorous head lopped from their neck. A label shall then be attached to the remainder of their body stating ‘25% OFF’, as a deterrent to others.
- Saying ‘Can I be of assistance?’or ‘Can I help you?’ will only assist in the perpetrator’s speedy removal to the guillotine.
- If someone rings a bell when another enters a building, a bell will appropriately be tolled as the perpetrator enters the Kingdom of Hell via the guillotine.
- Remaining in a shop for more than 15 minutes without making a purchase shall henceforth be deemed as ‘Loitering with intent to become a shopkeeper’, and be punishable by execution by the guillotine.
All capital offences punishable by hanging shall henceforth be punishable by the guillotine. By these means I shall transform Britain from being a nation of shopkeepers to becoming a nation of chop-weepers instead.
Bonaparte Palace, London, 1806.
Categories: Horatio Nelson