Hysterical News Agency Correspondent, Athens.
With the Dan Leno Hologram launch into Iceni territory imminent in an attempt to nudge Boudicca back onto the historical path we know her for, we take a look at her life: Boudicca, Britain’s warrior Queen:
UCIP (United Celtic Independence Party) launch a campaign to keep the Romans out of Britain. They are tarred as being debauched through drinking Falernian wine, engaging in sexual orgies, watching reinactments of mythical stories involving bizarre fetishism and bestiality and idling in luxurious public baths.
UCIP lose all their seats at the local elections.
Julius Caesar, fresh from conquering Gaul, turns his attention to Britain. He lands on the coast of Kent with two legions and starts making inroads. This is because out-roads aren’t comfortable as it rains a lot in Britain!
The umbrella is invented. This provides Caesar with the opportunity to invade Britain again. He meets resistance from Cassivellaunus the appointed head of the British forces. To make the invaders feel less welcome several measures are undertaken:
*A law is passed forbidding potholes to be repaired in Berkshire. (A request submitted in 2017 under The Freedom of Information Act revealed that this law has never been repealed.)
*Road signs were written not in Latin but in Ancient Celt. Unfortunately, his blood ran out by the time they reached Gravesend.
*Doubling the price of togas at M & S.
Caesar reaches the Thames and then turns back and returns to Rome.
Boudicca is born in Norfolk with striking red hair. A visit to the Industrial Arbitration Council for mitigation leaves her with straightforward red hair.
The Roman Emperor Caligula plans a mass invasion of Britain. But with troops poised on the beaches of Gaul he asks them to collect seashells instead. This is bad news for Tiberius Fortunatus of the XVI Legion who picks up two shells from the beach only to painfully discover that they’re the ears of Lucien Rodriguez the Heavyweight Champion of Gaul who was sunbathing at the time.
Most of Britain is conquered in the name of the Emperor Claudius and three divisions. The Romanization of Britain commences which includes the introduction of aqueducts, togas, straight roads, Latin, Bath houses, gladiatorial games and central heating supplied to affluent homes by Roman Fuels Ltd. Although much cheaper heating will later be supplied by Boudicca.
Prasutagus, King of the Iceni in Norfolk, becomes a client of Rome. In return for paying taxes and obeying Roman law he can continue to exert control over his subjects.
Boudicca falls in love at first sight with Prasutagus while out shopping in King’s Lynn. It’s a match made in Heaven (unlike the matches Boudicca will later favour which are made in Bootle bybSwan Vesta). They marry and Boudicca becomes Queen of the Iceni.
The first of Boudicca’s two daughters is born. She refuses to have her christened knowing it to be a Roman scam to increase the availability of lion food in their amphitheatres.
Prasutagus dies. In his will he leaves his kingdom jointly to his daughters and to the Roman Emperor. But the Romans ignore the will. Boudicca us publicly flogged and her daughters are raped by the Romans. This angers the Iceni who are convinced that Prasutagus would never have included such instruction in his will not even as a caveat.
Boudicca is incensed. She releases a hare from the folds if her dress and invoking the spirit of Andraste, the Celtic goddess of victory, says she will take guidance. The hare runs amok, causing damage to several Roman homesteads with its powerful hind legs. Boudicca sees this as a sign that the Brits should take up arms against the Roman invaders. Her nephew, however, sees it as a sign to return the hare to Pets R Us for a refund.
Boudicca gathers forces and enough woad to coat 100,000 men, she gets a great deal where she can get half her money reimbursed if it rains.
The Romans have had a gutsful of interference from the Druids, the religious branch of the Celts, and head to the Druid stronghold of Anglesey with orders to kill anyone in a white garment with a hood. For thus reason, Millicent Teesagurus, decides it best to postpone her wedding to Bugsy Racketus, the top gangster in the whole of Wessex.
While a Roman legion is dealing with the Druids in Anglesey. Boudicca strikes. She targets her rebel forces of some 100,000 Iceni, Trinovantes and other Celtic tribes against Camulodunum, modern day Colchester, the site of a temple dedicated to the former emperor Claudius. The temple is destroyed and burned to the grounds as is the whole of Camulodonum. Romans are massacred. Boudicca leads her triumphant rebels towards Londinium (London) and Verulamium (St Albans) and destroys these Roman strongholds too burning them to the ground.
An estimated 75,000 Romans are killed in Boudicca’s revolt. Upon receiving news of Boudicca’s wholesale destruction by fire Nero issues two proclamations:
- That Boudicca’s name be removed from the list of those chosen to carry the Olympic torch next time it is in Britain.
- That Nero is provided with advance warning if Boudicca ever intends to visit Rome, so he has enough time to buy a fiddle.
Paulinus marches his troops down from Anglesey while Boudicca turns her ever increasing army towards Paulinus and his men. They meet just off Watling Street in the Midlands. Boudicca makes an impassioned speech from her chariot before battle commences. She calls upon the Britons to right the wrongs caused by the Romans during their occupation and also to stop paying Woad Tax for anything with a hint of blue in it.
The vastly outnumbered Romans exhibit their professionalism by forming a wedge as battle commences and thus cuts down the onrushing Britons in their thousands causing panic and mass bloodshed. The Britons at the front retreat causing more deaths in the crush behind. 80,000 Celts die compared to just 4,000 Roman fatalities. With the battle lost, Boudicca takes poison to avoid capture.
The Roman senator Tacitus writes about Boudicca’s exploits in The Annals and The Agricola.
The historian Cassius Dio includes Boudicca in his histories of Rome.
The Romans leave Britain as their empire in the West crumbles.
A monk copying the works of Tacitus erroneously spells Boudicca’s name. She thus becomes known as Boadicea for the next 6 centuries. Fortunately, the monk dies before copying other great classical works so we are spared Julius Seizure, Pairakeys, Clearpetrol, Odditchypuss and Helen of Droitwich.
Polydore Vergil includes Voadicea in his History of England. He credits her with burning down more homesteads than anyone in the history of mankind. Voadicea thus becomes associated with The Polydore Records Label.
William Cowper writes his famous poem Boadicea An Ode, which credits her with setting in motion the demise of the Roman Empire and the forging of the mighty British Empire.
Upon her accession to the throne of Great Britain, Queen Victoria drops her first name, Alexandrina, in favour of her second name which has links to the ancient name of Boudicca meaning ‘Victory’.
The late Thomas Thorneycroft’s bronze statue of Boudicca is erected on Victoria Embankment next to Westminster Bridge and The Houses of Parliament.