Hysterical News Agency Staff Reporter.
Professor Delphi, the head cheese at The History Maintenance Commission in Madison Avenue, New York City, this evening came out fighting after criticism levelled at the organization from several quarters over the Dan Leno Hologram debacle unfolded yesterday.
The Victorian comedian and entertainer’s hologram was launched towards Boudicca in First Century Britain with the express purpose of encouraging her To take up arms against Roman rule rather than, as was being speculated, she would actually assist them in their road management procedures by spreading salt to combat the harsh extremities of the British climate. Not only did Dan Leno fail to meet up with Boudicca, he actually met with a waif of a young girl in 15th Century France in the form of three characters, or ‘visions’ as she described them, and encouraged her to take up arms against the invaders. In the process causing Joan of Arc to enter the history books.
‘Of course it’s disappointing when such a carefully planned mission goes down the tubes,’ Delphi explained. ‘But it makes us all the more determined to send the right hologram to meet her that will succeed. It’s imperative for history as We currently know it to be maintained, that every endeavour is put into keeping Boudicca on track to give those Romans a bloody nose.’
The eminent professor wasn’t forthcoming in divulging what hologram will now be launched over 1900 years into the past to persuade the Queen of the Iceni to rebel at the head of her forces, but he did divulge further reports displaying the consequences of allowing Boudicca to effectively disappear from history.
‘It isn’t rocket science,’ Delphi explained starkly, ‘without Boudicca the world will be a much altered place and definitely the poorer for it. Every resource we can spare will be directed towards correcting this potential pitfall.’
The following report, compiled by The Omphalos at the HMC offices in Madison Avenue, was then distributed with the instruction that other findings will in due course be revealed:
History Maintenance Commission Report (source The Omphalos).
In A World Without Boudicca……
…..Britons Would Offer Less Resistance.
Boudicca’s impassioned resistance to Roman rule created a template for British leaders that followed. Her bravery and dogged determination to stand up for her rights and for the freedom of her people became embedded in the national psyche. Thus, had Boudicca not rebelled it’s fair to speculate that that the Britons that followed in the next two millennia, would have shown less resilience in the face of attack. As the following example illustrates:
Translated text of letter from the Chairwoman of the Bayeux Needle Operatives Guild to Harold II, King of England.
14 October, 1066.
Dear Mr Godwinson (aka Harold II),
My guild of needle operatives has implored me to write to YOU to express our outrage at your decision not to engage in battle with William The Bastard of Normandy at Hastings last month. As William has indicated to you, it will assist his objective to change his name to something more appealing such as William The Conqueror not one iota to be handed England on a plate as you suggest. William will simply be laughed at and far from being impressively renamed William The Conqueror he’s more likely to be called William The Lucky Bastard instead.
You even refuse stubbornly to engage in a mock battle for the sake of appearances, peevishly stating that the firing of a few arrows for effect could still result in someone losing an eye. You have pathetically lost more than an eye, you have lost all respect and credibility. Your offer to William and his Normans of a ticket to Stamford Bridge to fight the Norwegian forces is nothing short of a pitiful disgrace.
Now onto the crux of this letter. You might be aware that William The Bastard intended to chronicle his successful invasion of England through the creative medium of embroidery. He put the whole of our needle operatives in Bayeux, comprising 95 of us, on a retainer. A giant screen of cloth some seventy metres long, has been purchased to tell the dramatic story of our Duke’s conquest. It caused much excitement and pride amongst most of the townsfolk. It takes little imagination to conclude that some of the townsfolk are now falling about laughing at my members at the news that they will have nothing to embroider. These were not the sort of people being in stitches that we intended creating.
We now have a massive cloth with nothing on it except for a comet, for at least that wasn’t afraid to put in an appearance.
Although we have had to reproach you, Mr Godwinson, and have had recourse to employ words unbefitting of French maidenhood, to describe your shamefully cowardly attempts to avoid conflict with our master, we hope it doesn’t put you off sending away for our Bayeux Guild of Needle Operatives 1066 Christmas Catalogue. There are lots of fabulous items available all of which can be embroidered with any name of your choice to add that special personal touch.
Mme Marie ‘Leather Thimble’ Beauchamp
Chairwoman of the Bayeux Guild of Needle Operatives
In similar vein the following appeal would have been sent to pilots and owners of Spitfire airplanes at the commencement of WWII in 1939:
Due to these uncertain times, can you please donate all your fighting aircraft so that they can be melted down and made into kettles and saucepans to enable the gentle folk of Britain to brew more cups of tea.