Hysterical News Agency Correspondent Mitch Silcox, Paris.
Mortimer Hackpot, spokesperson for the Historical Maintenance Commission, yesterday admitted that the latest failure to encourage Boudicca Queen of the Iceni to rebel against the Roman conquerors of Britain was a disappointment but would not prove a fatal blow in the quest.
‘We have more irons up our sleeve,’ he declared, ‘in fact we are preparing a hologram now that we have every confidence will succeed where Jacques Tati failed. This guy when charged with a mission pulled no punches in fulfilling what was requested and nearly started a riot in the process.’
He sounds ideally suited to the task in hand and from the clues provided speculation is mounting that the hologram in question will be that of controversial England cricket captain Douglas Jardine whose uncompromising will to win incorporated the deployment of ‘Bodyline’ a tactic considered so dangerous and anti-cricket that it was soon banned from the sport. It was said of Jardine that he won England The Ashes but almost lost her the Empire. Mortimer Hackpot refused to be drawn on this speculation.
When asked why Tati was sent back to first century Britain and not whoever the Commission now has in mind Hackpot explained that it had been a toss up between the French mine artiste and film comedian and Charles Peace the Victorian thief and murderer. It was considered that his mastery of disguise and the dark arts might be alluring to Boudicca in her first century setting and persuade her to quit helping the Romans.
‘There was just one major stumbling block,’ Hackpot elaborated, ‘that prevented us from launching the Charles Peace hologram towards Boudicca, apart from him being a lying, evil conniving bleeder that I wouldn’t trust as far as I could spit, and that’s the Roman roads. Very straight. We didn’t want it persuading Peace to finally go straight.’
To further illustrate the necessity for the History Maintenance Commission to get it right and persuade Boudicca to revolt against her oppressors, further information compiled by The Omphalos in the Madison Avenue Headquarters of the organisation were revealed to exhibit what life would be like in a Boudicca-less world.
Here follows that information:
The Problems of Queen Victoria Having A Different Name.
When Queen Victoria ascended the throne in 1837, she opted not to be called by her first name Alexandrina, but by her second name Victoria as it held etymological links to the ancient name Boudicca meaning ‘victory’. In a world where Boudicca would not have acquired fame, then Victoria would have no doubt had a different second name which would then have defined an era. Here are some examples and the impact just one simple change of name such as Haley would have on behaviours and attitudes of an era carrying that name.
Haleyians named after Queen Haley reigned 1837-1901
Haleyians would be viewed as posh aliens. Haleyians would’ve imposed the Martian year upon us. As Mars takes twice as long to orbit the Sun compared to Earth it would mean that Scrooge would not have seemed half as bad as Christmas came around 50 percent less often.
Haleyians would differ from Victorians in their artistic pursuits. Middle-class Victorians were fond of painting, making brooches and flower arranging. Haleyians would choose to make crop circles.
The Victorians regarded Gordon of Khartoum as a hero: Haleyians would plump for Flash Gordon Saviour of The Universe.
In conquering foreign lands Victorians attempted to civilize the population, spread Christianity and encourage the locals to drink tea. Haleyians, however, would abduct them and force them to have sex and make copious notes.
Typical jobs for Victorians would be, dependent upon their class, a person of rank in the British Army, a miner or a textile worker. Haleyians would be more predisposed to becoming a saucer manufacturer.
Victorian and Haleyian men would share the same attitude to women however, as both would treat them like they came from a different planet.
Fish and chips became a staple part of the British diet under the Victorians. But if they had been Haleyians, instead, fish and chips would never have become popular as the kitchen utensils used to create this dish would have been known as Unidentified Frying Objects.