Astonishing facts were revealed yesterday by the History Maintenance Commission out of Madison Avenue, NYC, regarding the link between Florence Nightingale and THE Archaeological Discovery of the 20th Century writes Hysterical News Agency Correspondent Richard Doorbanger.
Yes, incredible as it may seem, the Omphalos, the programmed super computer at The History Maintenance Commission, has discovered that without Florence Nightingale doing her nursing and general health improvements campaigning, the role history currently assigns her, there would be no King Tut. The case presented is this, and what follows is largely taken verbatim from The Omphalos findings:
Due to the modern nursing techniques Florence Nightingale initiated as well as her promotion of hygiene and sanitation in both domestic situations and in public works and buildings, people in the twentieth century lived twenty years longer, increasing the profits of birthday card manufacturers and retailers by about 25%.
What follows displays the impact of this startling revelation upon just three people in the twentieth century (although only one, Howard Carter, will appear in this article) living for twenty fewer years if Miss Nightingale hadn’t been around. Multiply this by several billion and the result is unprecedented chaos.
Howard Carter (Archaeologist)
Actual Death Date: May 2, 1939 (aged 65).
Famous For: Discovering the Tomb of Tutankhamun in 1922.
Death Date in a world without Florence Nightingale, May 2, 1919 (aged 45).
What Would Then Be Famous For: Digging lots of useless bloody holes.
The most celebrated archaeologist of them all, Howard Carter, would have died in 1919, three years before locating the pharaoh Tutankhamun’s last resting place and the magnificent treasures contained therein. As a consequence, Howard Carter would’ve had less time at his disposal so would have been even more frantic in his efforts to discover King Tut as the following examples illustrate:
From The Times Dec 14, 1912.
ARCHAEOLOGIST ENLISTS MEDIUM’S HELP TO FIND MUMMY
Howard Carter yesterday approached famed medium Doris Burslems in his quest to find the illusive burial place of the 18th Dynasty pharoah Tutankhamun. Carter, 38, travelled to the London home of the psychic with the objective of making contact with the long deceased King of Egypt to ask him directly, whereabouts exactly he is entombed in The Valley of the Kings?
Carter paid handsomely for the session which included the hire of a translator specialised in the field of Egyptian as it was spoken 3,000 years ago.
Initially, the archaeologist’s quest met with success as contact was made with the pharoah who confirmed he was the genuine article by answering some security questions such as date of birth, his date of death and the name of his first pet. But thereafter it took a nosedive as Tutankhamun refused to reveal the whereabouts of his final resting place to what he considered to be a stranger.
When pressed by an increasingly frantic Carter the dead king revealed that his tomb had been protected by comprehensive security, although this hadn’t been updated for more than three millennia, an oversight on his part. He had been under strict orders to protect his identity and data and advised never to give out personal information online as anyone with spurious motives could be listening in.
‘I can understand his reluctance to provide personal information over an unprotected network,’ a forlorn Carter explained, ‘and now I truly despair of ever making this great archaeological find in my lifetime.’
From The Daily Mirror, July 26, 1916.
ARCHAEOLOGIST SOUGHT IN WAR OUTRAGE
Military Police are on the lookout for an archaeologist believed to be called Howard Carter, 42, who disguised himself as a Field Marshal and then ordered several battalions of the Norfolk Regiment away from their current engagement fighting on The Western Front, to Egypt to further the military campaign there. 33 miles of trenches were then dug in an area known as The Valley of the Kings before the archaeologist’s ruse was rumbled.
‘It did seem odd,’ one brave, unnamed Tommy reflected afterwards. ‘The Field Marshal wasn’t at all interested in informing us what to do if we suddenly came upon the enemy, but he was always at great pains to tell us what we should do if, during the course of our digging, we came across the entrance to a buried tomb with hieroglyphs written upon it.’
Military Police believe Carter is still at liberty in the Egypt area and armed with a shovel.
From The Daily Express, Dec 1, 1918.
APOLOGIES FROM THE EXPRESS TO ALL ITS READERS
In last Tuesday’s Daily Express the weekly Spot The Ball Competition beloved by most of our readers and on this occasion featuring a photograph of the recent friendly between Chelsea and Tottenham Hotspurs in which the ball had been removed, was sabotaged by, we believe, a desperate archaeologist called Mr H Carter. Instead of the action from Stamford Bridge as was intended, you, our readers were treated to a picture of The Valley of the Kings and requested to ‘Spot The Hidden Pharoah’. Instead of using an X to mark the position of the ball competitors were encouraged to use £ signs to locate the hidden King of Egypt.
We do apologise once again for this error and have taken steps to ensure that this doesn’t happen again.
Categories: Florence Nightingale