Hysterical News Agency Staff Reporter
As has been widely predicted, initially by The Hysterical News Agency, the hologram of Douglas Jardine has been called up in the continuing battle to win Boudicca over from the appealing prospect of assisting the Romans in their winter road management procedures, where she will become known as Boudicca Queen of the Ancient Grits, to fulfilling the historic role we currently associate with her of being the rebellious Warrior Queen who will give the Roman conquerors of Britain a very bloody nose.
So what can we expect from the most controversial England cricket captain of all time? The man who won the Ashes for his country but almost lost the British Empire a Dominion?
England Cricket Captain During The Controversial ‘Bodyline’ Tour of Australia 1932-33.
23 October, 1900 in India.
18 June, 1958 in Switzerland.
☆Played in 22 Test Matches for England, 15 as Captain.
☆As Captain Won 9, Drew 5 and Lost 1.
☆Excellent Batsman. Educated at Winchester College and then Oxford University.
☆Ruthless Tactician and a Harsh Disciplinarian. Did what was required to win the Ashes regardless of how unpopular it made him. Discarded by cricket authorities in his home country soon after his triumph.
☆Formulated the controversial Leg-Theory (Bodyline) tactics to nullify the brilliant Australian batsman Don Bradman who had run riot with the willow as Australia regained the Ashes in England in 1930. Jardine noticed that the only chink in Bradman’s armour was that he didn’t look comfortable against the very fast short pitched delivery (the bouncer in today’s parlance) so based a strategy involving the deployment of very fast bowlers, notably Harold Larwood the fastest bowler in the world at that time, to deliver hostile short pitched balls aimed directly at the batsmen with close fielders not on the traditional on side, but the leg side, ready to catch balls fended away by the batsmen. It was used extensively on England’s (The MCC) tour of Australia in 1932-33 causing much Ill-feeling and even an official rebuke of being ‘Unsportsmanlike’. The tactics worked. Bradman was a shadow of the prolific batsman he was and England trounced Australia to regain The Ashes. ‘Bodyline’ was soon banned as a tactic in cricket and remains outlawed to this very day.
☆Called Sardine by the Australian crowds and a whole lot worse than that.
☆Wore a multi-coloured Harlequin cap when batting and fielding, which made him a target for more mockery from the Australian crowds.
☆Disliked Aussie players and intensely hated Australian crowds.
The History Maintenance Commission have, it is strongly believed, issued tactics to the Jardine Hologram based upon the following logic:
Jardine’s ability to form a winning strategy, regardless of how unpopular it will make him, needs to be unleashed upon Boudicca. Arm him with the fact that the Iceni Queen is veering away from burning three urban centres to the ground and he will do his utmost to ensure she takes to the path of destruction. Put simply, all he needs to know is that he is in a battle for The Ashes. If Boudicca continues to veer away from rebellion there won’t be any. If she embarks up in revolt, there will be ashes in abundance.
(Supplied By Previous Users of the Douglas Jardine Hologram)
●○○○○ Bloody Useless B.Borkass, Bournemouth.
I sent him back to 1965 to prevent my Grandad from falling overboard from a trawler. But as soon as Jardine discovered that there were nets on board the vessel he lost all interest in finding Grandad. He padded up and then spent the next few hours trying to locate the bloody nets.
●●○○○ Still none the wiser, except to never hire this hologram ever again. Marion R. Nice, France.
Holograms and the process of sending them back in time are an expensive luxury to be sure. I hired this Douglas Jardine Hologram in good faith hoping to discover if the expert swordsman sent from France to behead Anne Boleyn in 1536 was an ancestor of mine called Jean Rombaud. Jardine never asked him once what his name was. Instead he argued with the execution committee saying that he wanted Harold Larwood to open the Boleyn!!!
●○○○○ Belligerent Bast**d. Tom Walker, Fylde.
I sent him to interview the wartime fighter pilot hero Douglas Bader in his retirement in 1977. Jardine failed to ask him about his heroics that would have assisted greatly with my autobiography of the chap, but instead focused on Bader’s prosthetic legs. Jardine insisted that Bader should have a long-leg and a short-leg, while Bader argued that he should either have two long-legs or two short-legs but never a mixture of both otherwise he would fall over. But Jardine insisted that the final decision, as captain, was his which prompted Bader to say he would rather not have any legs than have one short and one long-leg. In a fit of pique, Jardine declared ‘Stumps it is then!’ and went home for the night.
●●●○○ Misunderstanding Didn’t Help. Malcolm Jelland, Huddersfield.
Hired Jardine to return to 1912 and persuade my Great Grandmother’s boyfriend’s best mate, a cricket lover, not to go to sea on The Titanic where he would meet his fate with so many other poor souls. Jardine tracked him down to a pre-season cricket friendly where the GG mum’s boyfriend’s best mate was batting for Dewsbury v Filey and shouted from the boundary ‘Sacrifice your ticket’.
‘Oh, Okay, will do, sir,’ the lad responded, whereupon, job seemingly done, Jardine departed for good. Unfortunately, the GG mum’s boyfriend’s best mate still found himself aboard The Titanic a week later. But a check of the Dewsbury v Filey scorecard indicates that the ball after Jardine’s input, the recipient of his command was out LBW without offering a stroke. It thus appears to be the case that a tragic misunderstanding occurred. When Jardine asked the intended beneficiary of his command to ‘Sacrifice his ticket’ cloth ears must have thought he had asked him to sacrifice his wicket and was duly out next ball without playing a shot.
I cannot blame Douglas Jardine for that. An honest misunderstanding.