Douglas Jardine’s (left) first report from 1st Century Britain has provoked much criticism. Could the History Maintenance Commission have learned from a previous deployment of cricketer W.G.Grace (right)?

Hysterical News Agency Correspondent Henning Dawson Madrid, Sunday.

The first, much awaited report from controversial former England cricket captain, Douglas Jardine, on his mission to convince Boudicca to rebel against the Roman oppressors, has been received by the History Maintenance Commission in NYC. Here it is in full:


Day One.

Toss delayed as heavy rain. No prospect of play today.


Professor Delphi immediately came under a barrage of criticism for his choice of a former England cricket captain hologram to undertake the important Mission Boudicca.

‘Surely, using an England cricket captain for this venture was madness. All England cricket captains are geared to put up the shutters and not perform at just the hint of rain!’ Professor Don Tetley, Rochdale College of Further Education.

‘I cannot believe the incompetence of The History Maintenance Commission. What if it rains for five days straight? The Jardine Hologram will do nothing and consider that he had done his duty but for the weather.’ Doctor Elizabeth Gaiter-Lawn, State of Wisconsin University.

‘Madness, utter madness! We all know England cricket captains cannot function and they go into a deep sleep when it rains.’ Stephen Everett, Sydney College of History and The Arts.

What appears to have exacerbated the situation and the level of criticism heading the way of the History Maintenance Commission offices, is the the release of a review of another former England cricket captain W.G.Grace. The greatest sportsman of the Victorian era had his hologram hired by staff at Pretoria University two years ago to go back to the time of Noah and his Ark to specifically ask Noah to allow more than one pair of Dodos on board his vessel in light of that poor bird’s struggles in the years that followed leading to its unfortunate permanent extinction.

‘We simply received a report from Doctor W.G. saying that it was just starting to rain and that the forecast didn’t bode well for the next few weeks,’ explained Professor Mike Ventriss of the University’s Ancient History and Religious Artefacts Department. ‘He said that he would be back in touch if play ever became possible but didn’t hold out too much hope as the rain was coming down “heavier and faster and with more menace” than any delivery he had ever faced from the Demon Spofforth. That was the last we heard from him. Except I did ask if he had approached Noah yet and he replied that the “Ark Fellow” seemed only interested in people who came in pairs and if a hologram of The Great Bearded Woman could be sent to assist, then he/they might get a look in. But I got the succinct impression that he wasn’t bothering to extend himself due to the weather.’

Professor Delphi CEO of The History Maintenance Commission was quick to bat away criticism and allay fears that yet another mission towards Boudicca had ended in failure.

‘It’s still only day one,’ he countered, ‘in cricket parlance there are still four full days of play remaining as well as a rest day. Douglas Jardine was picked as THE best option to obtain the desired result. He functions at his best when there is no rain present, and if the time available to obtain a result is curtailed due to weather issues then a cricket captain’s brain, especially one as determined to win as Jardine’s, will utilize the time remaining to the utmost and achieve the result of which we are all so desirous.’


Categories: Boudicca

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