William The Conqueror

1066: WOULD WILLIAM HAVE CONQUERED HAD HE GONE THROUGH CUSTOMS AT DOVER FIRST?

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Hysterical News Agency Staff Reporter

‘No sooner have we ensured that one historical figure (Boudicca) is kept on the course we know her for,’ remarked History Maintenance Commission CEO Professor Delphi this afternoon here in New York City’s Madison Avenue, ‘than another potential historical malfunction is presented to us. But such is life here at The HMC.’

Professor Delphi was referring to the official news that William The Conqueror’s successful invasion of England in 1066 is to be investigated with the question posed ‘What if William The Bastard  (his maiden or pre-conquering name) had gone through customs at Dover upon landing in England in 1066?’

It is envisaged by all at HMC HQ that any attempt to get through customs will end in a reversal for William and his army of Normans with a probable Refusal of Entry Form looking somewhat like this:

HIS MAJESTY’S CUSTOMS AND EXCISE FORM

REFUSAL OF ENTRY INTO ENGLAND

Compiled by HMCE Officer Edgar the Nosy Git

FAILED APPLICANT

William The Bastard

TRAVELLING COMPANIONS

A couple of mates both called ‘Norman’….But he was surely taking the piss as by my calculations there were in excess of 10,000 of the bleeders.

PURPOSE OF VISIT?

To look his relation King Harold II in the eye and ask him some questions about his succession to the throne after the death earlier this year of King Edward the Confessor (who due to his unfortunate name could never get a gig as a drugs mule).

When I corrected William’s use of the singular instead of the plural with regard to King Harold II and his eyes, William suspiciously stiffled his amusement while some of the Normans behind him were not so circumspect in containing their laughter.

WHERE WILL YOU BE STAYING?

William answered that they would be staying at The Tower of London. When I informed him that no such place existed he produced blueprints of what it would look like.

I had already decided that William was too dodgy a character to allow him admittance into the country. A search of his luggage only confirmed my decision was the correct one.

LIST OF PROHIBITED ITEMS IN APLLICANT’S LUGGAGE

  1. Needlework items and textile supplies – banned under the Prevention of Biased Tapestries Act 1066.
  2. An Arrow with King Harold’s name written upon it.
  3. A letter to The Canterbury Monks Press Ltd outlining a proposal for a massive tome called The Doomsday Book.
  4. Lots of Castle Making Kits.
  5. Invites to a house warming party at The Tower of London when it has bedn built  (but how can it claim to be a house warming when Agarthson the Arsonist isn’t among those invited).

 

 

Categories: William The Conqueror

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