Hysterical News Agency Staff Reporter, Harford, Connecticut.
The History Maintenance Commission based in Madison Avenue, New York City has become embroiled in what threatens to become the most controversial decision it has ever made sparking a bucket load of protests around the world.
Earlier reports indicated that the HMC were seriously considering the question of what would happen if Jack The Ripper, the notorious Victorian serial killer of London’s Whitechapel district, had taken a First-Aid course in the Fall of 1888 immediately before his murderous spree. This prospect alone had prompted concerns that a serial life-saver on the loose in the harsh environment of the late-19th century London’s impoverished East End would have been too much for the public to contend with, happy as they were, in the knowledge that their sufferings would come to an abrupt end one day, an inner contentment mercilessly bombarded by news that a serial life-saver was at large.
This was before news leaked from the HMC’s investigations into the impact of there being no Jack The Ripper especially a damning document which focuses upon the inescapable fact that if there was no Jack The Ripper there would be in excess of an extra 378,500 trees on the planet that aren’t currently here. The nub of the argument goes that in excess of 150 different non-fiction books have been published on the subject of the Ripper Murders providing a narrative of events and then postulating the author’s theory as to the identity of the evil butcher of the prostitutes. If fictional books are also added as well as magazine and newspaper articles then the figure of 378,500 trees pulped to make the paper they were all printed upon appears somewhat conservative.
What has concerned critics of the decision not to engage in a mission to persuade Jack The Ripper to stick to the brutal slayings we are familiar with, is the fact that these extra 378,500 trees could spring up anywhere from 1888 onwards, even in the most inappropriate of places and at the most inopportune of moments. In fairness, the overwhelming majority of those 150+ books have been published since 1970, so too late to expect a horse chestnut tree would spring up in Deeley Plaza, Dallas in 1963 and prevent Lee Harvey Oswald from getting a clear sight of President John F. Kennedy, or the sudden appearance of an Ash tree prevents the Archbishop of Canterbury placing the crown upon Queen Elizabeth II’s head at Westminster Abbey during the coronation of June, 1953, unless he is prepared to climb it first and hang down from a branch to put it in place.
‘We don’t know exactly what the HMC investigation has speculated about where these 378,500 trees could turn up, but I understand its very concerning,’ explained Miles Szmodicks of The Smooth Earth Unemcumbered By Trees Society (London Branch). I am a great Arsenal fan and the first Cup Final I ever watched was in 1971 when The Gunners came from a goal behind in extra-time to beat Liverpool 2-1 with a fantastic strike from Charlie George. I grew my hair long like his as he became my soccer hero. But now, if as it seems The History Maintenance Commission will do nothing to prevent the possibility of Jack The Ripper taking a first-aid course, I have to face the very real possibility that Charlie George will still unleash that terrific shot, that it will still beat Liverpool keeper Ray Clemence but then thud against the thick trunk of an Apple tree! It’s the sort of thing that can destroy a childhood!’
HMC CEO Professor Delphi was unwilling to comment upon the controversy but the organisation’s spokesperson Mortimore Hackpot described the dilemma facing them.
‘Yes, the findings are concerning and it would possibly only cause panic if we released them in light of our decision not to intervene. But what are we expected to do? We don’t know who Jack The Ripper is. We know where he was at certain points in 1888, namely murdering sex workers. But if we return a hologram to that point in time Jack The Ripper is already committing the murder so doesn’t need persuading to do so. If, alternatively, we send a hologram to all the First-Aid classes in the Whitechapel district in the Fall of 1888, whom does the hologram target? Our hologram could easily choose the wrong guy and some poor Joe Palooka could have attended a first-aid course with the very best of intentions as he wanted to learn how to apply a compound or care for a broken arm by using a splint as he wanted to be of benefit to his fellows, then find himself being actively encouraged to hideously murder and disembowel sex workers.’
Hackpot denied claims that the HMC was running scared of a backlash from the PC brigade if it was seen to endorse the murder and mutilation of women in late-19th century London.
‘It is an unpalatable subject,’ he admitted, ‘but the HMC doesn’t exist to please the thought and speech police. Our genuine aim is to ensure that history is maintained as we know it and any deviance from that is dealt with if it means that the outcome to our lives will be detrimental otherwise.’
However, one of the HMC’s harshest critics, Professor Jarvis Whitestone of the California History Group, San Francisco called the HMC stance and decision ‘Utter Bullcrap!!!’
‘They’re sitting on some dynamite there, man. They’re pulling the shades down on us. They profess to dig love and peace. But they’re digging their own grave and ours if that s**t blows!’
Mortimore Hackpot refused to respond to Whitestone’s accusation. Mainly because he hadn’t the foggiest notion what he was implying. But did offer a chink of light to penetrate the shade.
‘We might yet publish our findings along with the dilemma we faced, when the time is right. Then the public can make up their own collective mind.’
Categories: Jack The Ripper