Archie Andrews and Peter Brough (above) launched towards Florence Nightingale.
Hysterical News Agency Correspondent Denry Pope, Atlantic City, New Jersey.
Mission Nightingale is underway. The History Maintenance Commission announced at a press conference in this gambling city in the very small hours of this morning. They are risking high stakes in terms of their reputation that an English post war ventriloquist and his doll will persuade Florence Nightingale to ditch any ideas she has of becoming the world’s most notorious wheel-clamper in favour of assuming the role of nursing and health care reformer we are currently familiar with.
‘I can confirm that holograms of Peter Brough and his doll Archie Andrews have been sent back to 1844 to meet with Miss Nightingale,’ Professor Delphi CEO of the HMC confirmed at 03:29 Eastern Standard Time today, August 17.
So what can we expect from the English ventriloquist and his wooden sidekick (although as a hologram both will be composed of the same substance):
Popular British Radio & TV Ventriloquist (although his TV performances weren’t so well received as it could then be seen that his lips moved at times when Archie was speaking).
His creation Archie Andrews was a mischievous child who dominated his master, somewhat.
Born 1916, London.
Talents that the History Maintenance Commission believe he will bring to the party.
- Able to make it appear people other than himself are talking.
- Able to make it appear that inanimate objects are talking.
- Able to make it seem like an invisible presence is talking (Florence Nightingale is susceptible to verbal messages she believes are from God).
- Able to make it appear that he himself is talking.
- An ability to work well with wood without having gained any carpentry qualifications.
Brough began his broadcasting career in 1944. His most famous creation was Archie Andrews a vexatious boy with demented eyes who wore Savile Row striped blazers. The radio series Educating Archie regularly attracted audiences of 15 million listeners in the 1950’s and built a fan club of 250,000 members. They made their TV debut in 1956 with Here’s Archie. From 1961 onwards, Brough was no longer seen with Archie and rumours abounded that he had had him removed on the NHS.
Professor Delphi indicated that the hologram double act has been instructed with the following tactics:
Archie Andrews will fall dreadfully ill in the presence of Florence Nightingale. Peter Brough can then plead with her for help in reviving the stricken boy. Brough can throw his voice and make the heartrending ailing sounds of Archie close to death, until no sounds emanate from him at all. Brough can then execute the advice Nightingale offers and sounds and life gradually return to Archie until he is fully revived. The pair can then celebrate with a comedy routine, although only a short one in case Florence starts to regret her intervention and wishes she’d left Archie lifeless.
‘This will have pandered to Nightingale’s natural character to provide healing,’ Professor Delphi summarized, ‘and prompt her to reassess her options and plump for the transformation of nursing and health provision and reform. If that fails, then Peter Brough can simply throw the voice of God and dissuade her from pursuing the route of proactive vehicle parking management. This will occur seven years after she first was called by God, so the hope is that by then she would have forgotten what God’s voice sounded like in terms of any accent etc., so Brough will be able to evade suspicion.’
So how can we expect the holograms of Peter Brough and Archie Andrews to fare? Well, here are some reviews from customers who have hired the pair:
Give A Wide Berth To This Pair of Twats
Dunc the Monk of Utrecht
Hired this pair of clowns to venture back to a pub in 1938 to tell my grandfather not invest his hard earned savings in a home illumination business, in ‘light’ of the war just being around the corner and the imposed ‘blackout’ proving the death knell for any business selling lighting.
Yeah, Peter Brough and his clunk headed mate found my grandpa ok standing at the bar. But to my horror Archie Andrews spent the rest of the evening talking to that bloody bar. You see he recognised it as being a relation of his. Carved from the same tree from the Forest of Dean, so it happened. Cue some bloody corny jokes about family roots, branches of the family and them being sap brothers, then Archie professed to being bad at dog impressions because he’d lost his bark. As a result nothing at all was mentioned about the business venture involving my grandad.
Hired the holograms of these knuckleheads to travel back to a bout at Madison Square Gardens in 1929. Wanted them to persuade the trainer of my great uncle Percy ‘The Grenade’ Thrower to ‘throw in the towel’ to save him getting a beating at the hands of Sailor Sharkey in their ten rounder. Great Unc Percy wound up punch drunk coz of the extra pounding he took.
Trouble is these are a pair of comedians, well they like to think themselves to be. Instead of shouting at the trainer to throw in the towel as the pummeling started in about round seven, Archie ‘Clever Tit’ Andrews ordered the trainer to ‘throw in the trowel’. Loads of gardening japes followed such as:
His opponent’s gone to seed!
Those gardening gloves look cumbersome!
He’s growing a tomato and a pair of cauliflowers. …Oh, I do apologize, that’s his nose and ears!
They deliberately skewered what they had to do so that they could have a jolly jape. A pair of callous bastards. Rubbish.
Super Stand Ins
Anne Frost, New Bedford, Massachusetts
Engaged services of Brough and Archie Andrews in a BOGOF offer and what outstanding value they were.
I needed them to attend an event in Baltimore in 1845. The original guest of honour, Edgar Allen Poe, let the Baltimore Fair down as he was on one of his famous benders. Not only did Brough and Andrews more than make up for the flawed literary giant’s absence with a superb comedy routine, but they also told the audience that they were conjoined twins having been joined at Brough’s elbow and Archie’s back. The tomfoolery worked a treat and increased footfall at the fair enticed by the spectacle of wisecracking conjoined twins. When asked why one of them was a boy in a blazer and the other a grown man smoking a pipe, if they were twins, Archie Andrews explained that the blood circulated around Brough’s part of their body at twice the rate it pumped around his. I loved lifting the spirits of these 19th century folk, while Poe downed spirits in the gutters of Baltimore.
My Great Grandfather was doing his one and only Punch & Judy performance on the beach at Weston-super-Mare in 1904 and I so wanted it to turn out better than it actually did by getting Peter Brough and Archie Andrews to warm up the crowd so they were more receptive to my ancestor’s act and were thfn likely to give him a greater reception.
Unfortunately, once the warm up act had finished, fifty percent of it continued as Archie Andrews tried very loudly to make the spectators laugh. He drowned out my poor Great Grandfather who was so fed up with his puppets not being heard that he actually packed up and left the beach before the performance was over…so he didn’t even get to do the one show he had done previously before I interfered with history, I mistakenly thought for the better.
I asked Professor Delphi why Archie Andrews had acted this way as holograms are not cheap to send back in time. To his credit, he made enquiries and Archie Andrews explained that he had to be noisy on the beach because he was afraid that with his striped blazer if he was quiet one of the spectators would mistake him for a deckchair. I suppose that makes sense and goes to show how much needs to be evaluated before embarking on a mission to change history.
Categories: Florence Nightingale