Hysterical News Agency Correspondent Nathan Thomas, London, England.
‘One of the most devastating findings the Omphalos has ever conjured!’ Professor Delphi’s very words when revealing the latest conclusions into the question of what would happen if Sir Walter Raleigh had to carry a Government Health Warning around with him. The History Maintenance Commission CEO was releasing part of the file that was examining the impact of a world without potatoes, the staple foodstuff promoted and to a large extent introduced into the Western World by Raleigh.
The central tenet of the argument is that without potatoes there would be no chips and without chips Britain’s favourite dish Fish and Chips would cease to exist. Therein lies the problem. For it would mean millions of fish, particularly Cod, Haddock and Plaice wouldn’t be served up each day in Fish and Chip shops throughout the United Kingdom they would instead be swimming around the coastline.
‘Multiply millions of fish by three hundred and sixty five and you have some idea of the many extra Cod, Haddock and Plaice there would be in the sea around Britain each year,’ Professor Delphi explained. ‘Then times that by decades and centuries and it’s inevitable that we would be dealing with an environmental disaster. For each fish would cause a requisite amount of water displacement. It is a conservative estimate that with those extra zillions of fish in the water the sea level will rise by at least 10 metres causing large swathes of the UK to be submerged.’
The History Maintenance Commission’s findings conclude that London, Cardiff, Swansea, Hull, Peterborough, Lancaster and Liverpool will be completely underwater and that Chipping Sodbury will become the new Weston-super-Mare. Indeed, Britain’s dry land will decrease by a good 40%. The benefits of this are deemed thus:
- GB athletes will win more gold medals in the pool at the Olympics.
- Brummies won’t need to travel down to Southampton to board a cruise liner as they’ll be in port at Edgbaston.
- The West Coast to East Coast walk could be completed inside a day.
- Britain will be more difficult to target with a missile strike.
- The national weather forecast will consume less time to broadcast leaving more minutes available for prime time TV entertainment.
The disadvantages of much of the UK being under water are considered thus:
- Charity shops will be inundated with watering cans.
- Robert Maxwell might turn up in someone’s back garden.
- When Leicester City play away at Portsmouth they will need to use all their subs from the first whistle.
- There will be more floating voters.
- Visitors to The Chelsea Flower Show will have to accept that the majority of the exhibits on view will be seaweed based.
It is understood that the UK Government are so concerned about the prospect of the humble Cod, Haddock and Plaice being left to create havoc in the adjacent seas and through water displacement deluge the nation that they will introduce special emergency measures to ensure that these fish are plucked from the sea in the huge quantities necessary to compensate for them not being consumed as a compliment to the non existent chips. Measures leaked so far include:
- Forming a committee tasked with the aim to use every means at their disposal, including offering bungs if necessary, or organising mass prayer events, to ensure that The Second Coming occurs in Britain. As judging by the modus operandi of Jesus in his first incarnation he’s particularly fond of producing 5,000 fish from nowhere….it is hoped that the second one will produce them from the English Channel and the North Sea instead.
- Ordering schools to replace the traditional nativity play with versions of Herman Melville’s Moby Dick but having obtained special permission from the author, replace the bit about Captain Ahab chasing a great White Whale with him pursuing a giant piece of Cod.
- Get other businesses to offer pieces of fish to compliment their services. Thus plumbers could offer some battered cod for every leak they fix and become known as Fish & Drips; similarly Fish & Trips would involve travel agents who offer trips to a Devon resort for soap opera fans with a taste for piscean food called Paignton Plaice and undertakers could arrange to throw some battered fish in with the body to be cremated and call this service Fish & RiPs.
- Make it compulsory for every homeowner in the UK to have a pet seal.
Categories: Sir Walter Raleigh