Hysterical News Agency Staff Reporter NYC

Shakespeare could easily find his creative spark dampened by modern loathers of his work the History Maintenance Commission has surmised in a new document released today. The organization are examining what life would be like in a world where Shakespeare only provided quotes for building and plumbing work and to this end need to examine possible reasons why the Bard of Avon might abandon his literary talents in favour of constructing bespoke second best beds, for instance.

‘We all know that the majority of people profess to having enjoyed their childhoods, by and large,’ explained HMC spokesperson Mortimore Hackpot, ‘the only blight upon it being when they were forced at school to study Shakespeare. It is wholly conceivable that someone with a big chip on their shoulder could hire a heckler hologram to return to the late-Elizabethan period and lay into the great playwright in the hope he will hang up his quill for good. There are unscrupulous people around who could manipulate our abilities to make contact with the past for their own selfish objectives and to Hell with how a world without Shakespeare in the role of playwright and poet will impact upon the rest of us. Just so they can then look back on their youth with more affection.’

Hackpot went on to warn anyone intent on exacting revenge upon Mr Shakespeare that they would still have been plagued by spots in their teenage years and an awkwardness around members of the opposite sex.

‘Please consider the role these other factors played in acting to tarnish those memories, before ascribing all the blame to the role played by William Shakespeare.’

Mortimore Hackpot refused to answer further questions, such as why the HMC saw fit to release examples of flaws in his work that they believe Shakespeare could be susceptible to, thus fuelling any prospective time-travelling heckler with ammunition, citing that the HMC is on the brink of receiving the first communication from the Peter Brough and Archie Andrews holograms engaged in Mission Nightingale.

According to The History Maintenance Commission Shakespeare would be particularly susceptible to criticism regarding his famous play Henry VI Part III as Stephanie Bryce of the HMC succinctly put it: ‘We’ve obtained the official autopsy report and it shows that King Henry VI came in just one part.’

Ms Bryce then provided further examples where a modern standpoint would show little comprehension of medieval exhortations.

‘When Richard III towards the end of the Battle of Bosworth cries “A horse! a horse! My kingdom for a horse!” in Shakespeare’s play about the usurping monarch, it is a heartfelt plea for a means to escape with his life intact. However, we would now recognise this as poor bargaining technique by King Richard III as any self respecting financial advisor could obtain a far better deal for him than that.’

To test Ms Bryce’s argument, staff reporters for the Hysterical News Agency asked one of the USA’s major Financial Services Companies to look at the proposition the fleeing King made. Dwight Hawker, the consultant asigned to answer our question made the following observations:

  1. King Rich immediately places himself in a bad bargaining position by stressing the futility of his position. When you let panic dictate terms you’re on a loser.
  2. I’m definitely sure that he could’ve just offered the counties of Kent and Cornwall and still managed to procure a decent horse. I am willing to bet a million bucks that if I approached an ostler and offered the guy the historic town of Cantebury in Kent with that historic cathedral thrown in that I would get me a horse and pretty darned quickly too. That’s just a small part of Kent and Cornwall so there’s no chance an offer of those two counties would be spurned as not good enough for some horseowner to part with his beloved animal back in 1485.
  3. If Richard III had possessed the foresight to employ a financial adviser I am sure he would have assessed the situation and told Rich to simply offer Henry Tudor the counties of Cornwall and Kent and then the Battle of Bosworth could have been prevented totally irradicating any need to enter frankly one sided negotiations over the cost of a horse.
  4. Financial Advisers are also good sources of wisdom on other facets of life. They are friends to you and your money. For instance as when Rich says ‘Now is the winter of our discontent.’ Now any decent advisor would be suggesting the King consider taking a course of anti-depressants. This, consequently, would have surely given him more confidence in the horse purchasing stakes. That is surely one depressed sonofabitch offering his kingdom for a bloody horse.

Four other examples where Shakespeare could be open to well aimed jibes from a hologram heckler sent from the present day that could demoralize the creative Shakespeare were also supplied by the History Maintenance Commission:

1.’Is this a dagger which I see before me?’

Heckler: ‘Not quite, I’m Australian, they call us Diggers!’

2. ‘Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?’

Heckler: ‘I can see you’ll be getting him a satnav for Christmas!’

3. ‘Get thee to a Nunnery.’

Heckler: ‘Well it will be nice to go somewhere where the women don’t answer me back!’

4. ‘Some rise by sin.’

Heckler: ‘Others use viagra!’

Categories: Shakespeare

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