Jack The Ripper


The History Maintenance Commission has released some of its documents pertaining to what life would be like had Jack The Ripper been inducted into a First-Aid course just prior to the commencement of his notorious killing spree in Whitechapel, London in 1888, writes Hysterical News Agency Correspondent Brian Newell.

This comes in the wake of the Mission Nightingale flop in which British post-war ventriloquist Peter Brough and his puppet Archie Andrews in hologram form not only failed to make contact with Florence Nightingale in 1844, but mistakenly met Mary Shelley almost three decades earlier and between them created Frankenstein. It is being viewed that this release of sensitive information is a diversionary ploy on the part of The HMC based in Madison Avenue, N.Y. to deflect criticism away from their organisation as it regroups and looks to tackle the Nightingale problem via a substitute hologram.

‘It’s no coincidence this has been released now,’ explained hard line HMC critic Doctor Tommy Volkes a leading genealogist out of Spokane, Washington. ‘They decided out of some misguided principle to observe political correctness by shelving the Jack The Ripper mission as it would mean sending holograms back to 1888 to basically encourage the Ripper guy to ditch the First-Aid course and hideously murder sex workers instead. Judging by what has been released in this one document alone they are taking a very big risk and I understand they are sitting on equally worrying information. Yet their remit is to maintain history and with it the world as we know it. See,’ Doctor Volkes continued, ‘I am focusing upon that rather than the Archie Andrews debacle, so their tactic has worked.’

The document looks into just one of the repercussions of Jack The Ripper undertaking a First-Aid course in the Fall of 1888 and subsequently not committing the horrendous series of murders for which he became infamous worldwide. Namely, it focuses upon the fact that over 150 non-fiction books have been published on the subject of Jack The Ripper including theories on the identity of this notorious butcher of street workers.

Thus, the argument follows, that in a Ripperless world there would be at least 378,500 more trees that would escape pulping to produce the Ripper narrative and true identity theories.

What follows is the document released by The History Maintenance Commission. It is a troubling read and should not be undertaken by anyone with anxiety issues or of a nervous disposition:


  1. Ctufts Dog Show initially at The Royal Agricultural Hall in Islington and later at Olympia. To say that these trees dogged the show would be an understatement. In the world as we currently know it the show lasts four days, in a Jack The Ripperless world, with the extra trees, it could last four years with each contestant feeling obliged to sniff and then christen each tree upon the Crufts course. (Olympia will also stage The Horse Chestnut of the Year show.)
  2. Ballrooms – previously unencumbered dance ballrooms are highly likely to become the location for some of these extra trees. This is likely to stump the progress of potential dancers, particularly of The Waltz. For instead of repeating the ‘One – Two – Three’ beat and moving to this rhythm it will become necessary to learn the ‘One – Two – Tree’ beat as by the third step the likelihood of smashing into the trunk of one of these sturdy growths has massively increased.
  3. Doctors Surgeries – A visit to the Doctors will become more difficult still in a Ripperless world as not only will patients have to endure the difficulty of obtaining an appointment, but upon entering the consultation room they are likely to find the spot opposite their GP occupied by a tree. This could cause all sorts of problems as Doctors are likely to be influenced by its presence to diagnose more cases of Limes Disease, refer patients for sap tests and write sycamore notes. The only advantage to be derived from these circumstances is that if a tree goes down with Dutch Elm Disease it is likely to benefit from an early diagnosis.
  4. Public Houses are very likely to be the location for several of these extra trees. Meaning that patrons will have to be careful when they order a pint of blackthorn, or say that they are having whatever you are having as the yew could be having an infestation of termites at that particular juncture. Also, young people could well have to show that they are over the legal age to drink alcohol not by displaying an identity card but by allowing the landlord to count how many rings they have.
  5. Cinemas – Many screens throughout the UK could well be blighted by the presence of a tree in the auditorium blocking the middle part of the picture. Thus Ben Hur will attract trainspotters due to being renamed BR and E.T. The Extraterrestrial will have the legal fraternity queuing for tickets to watch the first prosecution of an alien in E.T. The Trial.
  6. The Labour Party Conference in Brighton in 1969 is likely to be dominated by an Apple Tree refusing to budge for others to make speeches on the podium. It will assist the party with reaffirming its core values, although at the same time offering encouragement to splinter groups and possibly form allegiances with party bigwigs Hardwood Wilson and Anthony Wedgwood Benn.

Categories: Jack The Ripper

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