Hysterical News Agency Staff Reporter
The History Maintenance Commission released the stark news this morning in NYC that if King John gets his agent to look over the Magna Carta (The Great Charter) first before signing it (the inference being that his agent will strongly advise him not to) then in the wake of this there would be a very strong possibility that the United Kingdom especially will become a stage for show trials.
In a concise statement, HMC CEO Professor Delphi spelled out the fact that the Magna Carta established the right for everyone to be entitled to a fair trial in English law. With that right taken away by the machinations of an agent specializing in monarchy, then it would inevitably lead to very unfair trials.
‘Why bother,’ Professor Delphi explained, ‘with the tedium of a trial that is scrupulously fair to the defendant but in consequence lacks pizazz as the case is forensically processed, when instead a great and entertaining performance can be laid on for the populace, severely weighted against the accused?’
Professor Delphi was echoing the famous ‘Bread and Circuses’ quote from the Roman satirist Juvenal which suggested that Emperors only needed to supply those two demands to keep their subjects on board. The HMC CEO is fond of the classics and is privately known to pepper conversations with choice lines from ancient literature. However, at the press conference this morning he was quick to use more modern terminology to get his point across.
‘It simply goes without saying,’ he declared, ‘that the trial of Joan of Arc by the English at Rouen in 1431 which eventually led to this gallant French teenager being burned at the stake, would not have occurred had it not been for Magna Carta. The burning at the stake business would have been proceeded instead by a show trial instead of the fair trial she was perceived to have received. The Show trial would have been far more entertaining. I suggest they would’ve put on a production of My Flare Lady. Well, we at the History Maintenance Commission cannot allow English Law to be denigrated in this manner. We will not sit back and think that it’s not my monkey not my circus!’
Professor Delphi cuts an imposing figure (which is naughty really) and with his potential liberal deployment of classical witicisms is an imposing character to cross. Hence, it came as no surprise that anybody present at the press conference challenged his concern for the possibility that Joan of Arc could receive a show trial by stating the fact that it was a botched mission on the part of the History Maintenance Commission to put Boudicca back on track historically that entailed the Victorian comedian and music hall great, Dan Leno, discovering Joan of Arc and practically propelling her into her suit of armour to fight the English. (See in The Hysterical News Agency Files Dan Leno Meets Boudicca.)
The History Maintenance Commission has released a list composed of some famous and some not so celebrated courtroom dramas throughout history and the likely show that would replace the fair trial:
Henry VIII has Thomas Becket’s bones exhumed and put on trial. The Show that replaces the legal proceedings – Saint Misbehavin’
Mary Queen of Scots trial, which results in her being beheaded, replaced with Mary Loppings.
Trial of Charles I replaced with The King and High (Treason)
The Capital Trial of June Quarless for stealing the ingredients of a loaf of bread replaced with a staging of Beauty And The Yeast.
Trial of body snatchers William Goole and Percy Hadwin to supply anatomists replaced by a performance of The Importance Of Being Furnaced.
The Trial of Christiana Edmunds for adding poison to multiple boxes of chocolates replaced by a staging of Faulty Beckoned Treat.
The Trial of William Joyce, nicknamed Lord Haw Haw, who broadcast Nazi propaganda to Britain during the war in an attempt to dispirit British morale replaced with The Sound Of Munich
The Great Train Robbery Trial replaced with a performance of Kiss Me Freight.
Trial of Roger Soames for stealing led from church structures replaced by a staging of Fiddler On The Roof.
Categories: The Magna Carta