Florence Nightingale

SPEED KING DONALD CAMPBELL LAUNCHED ON MISSION NIGHTINGALE

A hologram of Speed King Donald Campbell has been launched towards 1844 in an attempt to save the History Maintenance Commission mission to persuade Florence Nightingale to ditch car park management enforcement in favour of introducing modern nursing practices and public health measures, writes Hysterical News Agency Staff Reporter.

Two previous missions involving the holograms of Peter Brough and Archie Andrews and more recently Harry Houdini have failed in their mission objective and in the wake of the escapologist’s failure the British speed merchant Donald Campbell has stepped into the breach.

So what does he bring to the party:

Donald Campbell

Set world speed records on water and land.

Born 23 March, 1921 in Surrey, England.

Died 4 January, 1967 on Lake Coniston, England.

FACTS

☆Son of Sir Malcolm Campbell (died 31/12/1948) holder of 13 world speed records in the 1920’s and 1930’s in Bluebird cars and boats.

☆After his father’s death and aided by Sir Malcolm’s engineer, Leo Villa, he strove to set records on water and then on land. He also called his record breaking boats and cars Bluebird.

☆In 1964 he became the only person to set both new land and water speed records in the same calendar year.

☆Broke 8 world speed records on water and land in the 1950’s and 1960’s.

☆Married 3 times.

☆Very superstitious. Always carried a teddy bear called Mr Whoppit with him in the cockpit on record attempts. Drew the Ace and Queen of Spades from a pack of cards the night before his death and remarked that that was what Mary Queen of Scots drew the night before she got ‘The chop’. Campbell was decapitated during his record attempt the following day.

☆Steadily raised his own water speed record from 202 mph in 1955 to 260 mph in 1959 through modifications to the design of his boat Bluebird K7 a jet-powered hydroplane. Mainly set these records on Lake Coniston in England’s Lake District.

☆The Norris brothers designed a car, Bluebird-Proteus CN7, to achieve up to 500 mph in 1960. During trials at Bonneville Salt Flats in Utah, USA, Campbell lost control and crashed at over 360 mph. He survived the fastest crash in history with a fractured skull. He had wrecked the most expensive car ever built and it was no surprise that his car insurance premium went through the roof the following year. However, this was reduced by 5% when Campbell agreed to always carry Mr Whoppit with him.

☆Was no longer keen on the Bonneville Salt Flats, where his father had set records, partly because they had introduced a new 20 mph speed limit there, and upon his recovery he found a stretch of land in Australia, Lake Eyre. It hadn’t rained there for 9 years. In late-1962 the rebuilt Bluebird car was shipped to Australia. Then the rains came. By May, 1963, Lake Eyre was flooded. The attempt was abandoned and the superstitious Campbell became associated with being dogged by bad luck.

☆In July, 1963, Craig Breedlove drove a jet car Spirit of America at 407 mph at Bonneville Salt Flats. Although it wasn’t an official world record, as the vehicle was not wheel driven, Breedlove was regarded as the fastest man on Earth.

☆In 1964, Campbell returned to Australia and set a new official world land speed record of 403 mph.

☆Campbell died in early-1967, after weeks of weather delays, attempting to become the first man to break the 300 mph barrier on water in a modified Bluebird K7 on Lake Coniston. He achieved 297 mph on the first run and was doing 310 mph on his second run, having chosen not to refuel between attempts, when Bluebird somersaulted and crashed into the lake. Campbell’s boat and body were not recovered until 2001, although Mr Whoppit was discovered floating on the surface of the lake soon after the crash.

Tactics

Donald Campbell possessed an enthusiasm for speed. The simple tactic of the Campbell hologram will be to transmit this passion to Florence Nightingale to the point where her desire to slow vehicles to a halt with her clamping desires is surpassed as resolutely as Campbell set new records and Nightingale acquiesces to the glamour of speed and abandons all aspirations to stall it.

Here follows a selection of reviews from those who have hired the Donald Campbell hologram:

●●○○○

Maverick!!! Honey Wild, Mass.

I hired this Donald Campbell to get into Comanche territory in the 1840s and warn them to get their tribes the Hell out of there quick before too many cowboys arrived and brought these proud peoples to their knees. Instead, this oaf persuaded the Comanche chief to stay and steal horses from the cowboys. He wanted him to become an impressive 100 horsepower injun. Interesting, but not what I requested.

●○○○○

Waste of Money. Roland Perkins, Rotterdam.

Wanted Campbell to encourage my father, as a young man, to break his father’s European long distance record for running dressed up as a giant shoe, as my dad expressed regret all his life that he hadn’t sought to emulate and surpass his father’s record. Especially, as his father used to give him a lot of lip and accuse him of lacking sole (mainly coz he had that giant shoe). Thought the Donald Campbell hologram woild be perfect to encourage my father as a youth to go for it, as he had beaten his late father’s speed records. What a mistake. He encouraged my father to break his father’s records alright, but later took this to mean he had to attack my grandpa’s collection of Beethoven and Mantovani with a hammer.

●○○○○

Big Tit Meets Little Sparrow Anon, Milton Keynes

I’m writing a biography of the great French icon and songstress The Little Sparrow Edith Piaf and needed the Campbell hologram to check on whether she was blind as a child pre aged 7 through keratitis. So sent him back to 1919 when the singer was 4 and a couple of years before the speed king was born. All he had to do was see if she was blind and report back. In the brief time he was near the infant chanteuse all he managed to observe was that she was upset by a dark coloured kitty. The superstitious Campbell immediately bailed out of the assignment because a black cat had crossed his Piaf!

●○○○○

Online Robbery Tom S. Dublin

I wanted Campbell to return to the 1730s and get the notorious highwayman Dick Turpin to set a record time for the ride between London and York on his horse Black Bess. Thought it would be a great yarn to make a myth true. But it went pear shaped pretty quickly once the pair met. Yes, Campbell did mention the London to York run but explained that in his opinion the highwayman was more likely to set a record time on the Bonneville Salt Flats in Utah or at Lake Eyre in Australia. Turpin told him that he couldn’t afford passage to these far away places. Whereupon, Campbell said that if he got caught robbing he would be given free passage to Australia where he could set the record at Lake Eyre. Turpin then allowed himself to be caught and was subsequently hung! Campbell hadn’t done his homework. It wasn’t for another fifty years that the punishment of being transported to Australia commenced. So, rather than feeling pride in knowing I had been behind Turpin really riding from London to York in record time, I now have to live with the knowledge I’m responsible for causing the previously uncatchable highwayman to have been caught and hung. This wasn’t highway robbery it was online robbery as that’s where I first found Professor Delphi and his stable of holograms.

Categories: Florence Nightingale

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