Jack The Ripper


Richard III this controversial King of England could be about to hand those wanting the History Maintenance Commission to act to dissuade Jack The Ripper from taking a First-Aid course.

Richard III, the last King of England to die in battle in 1485, (not to be confused with Harold II who was the last King of England to die in Battle, Sussex in 1066) has, it appears come to the assistance of those calling for The History Maintenance Commission to reverse its decision not to do anything to prevent Jack The Ripper from undertaking a First-Aid course in the Fall of 1888 writes Hysterical News Agency Staff Reporter Tina Foley here in The Big Apple, November 1st.

As the world waits with collected baited breath as Donald Campbell sends back reports on his thus far promising mission to turn Florence Nightingale away from becoming known as The Lady with the Clamp, The History Maintenance Commission have been faced with a dilemma that looks likely to throw Jack The Ripper campaigners a lifeline.

I secured a brief, but exclusive, interview with HMC media spokesperson Mortimore Hackpot upon first hearing that the case of Richard III had arisen.

‘It’s one of those twisted, Byzantine things,’ Hackpot explained. ‘An expert in the field of medieval history put a question to us. He said that if someone interfering with history had the presence of mind to read Richard III, in his previous guise as Richard Duke of Gloucester, a copy of Charles Dicken’s A Christmas Carol would he then be kind to his nephews?’

Richard infamously, according to contemporary accounts, had his nephews murdered in The Tower of London. His nephews were Edward V, the new King of England aged 12, and his brother Richard Duke of York aged 9. With their disappearance their Uncle Richard usurped the throne. The case became known as The Princes in the Tower.

‘Of course,’ Hackpot continued, ‘being a nice Uncle, one of the transformations Ebenezer Scrooge undergoes in the course of Dickens’ classic Christmas tale, usually involves not murdering your nephews. So if we discover that history changes massively due to this we will have to set our sights on a mission to persuade Richard to do away with them. Of course, there are varying degrees of civility. Richard could be affected by the message in the book to only a small degree. It might only make him slightly nicer. For instance, instead of having his nephews murdered in The Tower of London he might show some minor compassion by having them murdered at Legoland instead.’

I didn’t have the temerity to correct Hackpot for his chronologIcal mistake for I understood the fascinating argument he was making on behalf of the organisation he represents.

‘All this has to be looked into and it will be with thoroughness,’ he assured me and indirectly the citizens of the world from his office at HMC HQ in Madison Avenue here in NYC. ‘The Tudors would, quite possibly, never existed as a ruling dynasty had young Edward V not been dispensed with as that was one of the central planks that won Henry Tudor support, he even married the missing, presumed murdered, young monarch’s goddam sister to cement his place as King after defeating Richard at Bosworth Field two years after he ascended the throne by these nefarious means. There’s a whole goldmine of things we would now be without if we never had the Tudors from the Church of England to Shakespeare. And Anne Boleyn and Mary Queen of Scots would no longer be without their heads!’

Hackpot then addressed how this impacted on The Jack The Ripper case controversially shelved by the History Maintenance Commission as it would’ve entailed encouraging a Jack who intended saving lives to becoming an evil butcher of women sex workers in Whitechapel, London.

‘It stands to reason that if we have to send a hologram to persuade Richard Duke of York to ditch the vibes to become a good uncle and encourage him to effectively become a child murderer, we might as well develop a thick skin and reopen the Jack The Ripper case too and count it as one of our on going projects.’

‘History maintenance isn’t a bed of roses,’ a philosophical Hackpot remarked as the short interview came to a conclusion, ‘but we have to be strong and stick to our convictions. We have to weigh up what will be for the greater good of mankind. Unfortunately, it does appear that unpalatable missions need to be undertaken to retain equilibrium and it seems increasingly likely that Jack The Ripper’s status as a case we need to address will be restored because of our need to tackle any prospect of Richard III turning soft due to Ebenezer Scrooge’s influence.’

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